Four things every church should know about the pastor’s wife
by Manda Gibson
When Chaundel met Tom Holladay in high school, she wasn't sure he was her type. But almost 28 years of marriage have proven that first impression wrong, and today, Chaundel sees Tom as an undeserved gift from God.
For 10 years, Tom served as pastor of a small church in
"There are unique stresses and joys for a pastor's wife," Chaundel said. But she says that keeping the following few facts in mind can help pastors make life happier and more satisfying for their wives.
1. Many pastors' wives feel isolated.
A pastor's wife often finds it difficult to find other women who can relate to the struggles she faces, Chaundel said. She needs to connect with other pastors' wives, and her husband needs to help her do that. "Make sure she has support – a friend she can talk to and tell everything to," Chaundel said. "Allow her space to do that."
If your church has multiple pastors on staff, encourage your wife to connect with their wives, Chaundel said. If you're the only pastor at your church, help your wife get to know wives of other pastors in your community. Do you stay in touch with a network of other pastors? Let your wife know how to get in touch with those pastors' wives so they can form their own network of support, encouragement, and friendship.
You also need to give your wife the freedom to spend time with these women, Chaundel said. When the Holladays' children were very young, Tom would stay home with them occasionally to give his wife time to spend with other women.
2. Some pastors' wives feel caught between church and family needs.
The church has been referred to as a pastor's mistress. And sometimes that's how pastors' wives feel – like their families are neglected because the pastor spends so much time attending to the church family's needs. It's an issue many women are reluctant to address with their husbands, though. "How can you argue with the call of God?" Chaundel asked. "How can you say, ‘I want you home' when people are going to Hell?"
Pastors and their wives need to discuss this issue together. "Have clear communication. Agree on what seems to work best for your family," Chaundel suggested. "It's not the same for every pastor and his wife."
While some couples view their home as a sanctuary and want to have time alone as a family most nights of the week, other families will feel comfortable regularly opening their home to church members. While some wives won't mind their husband being at the church building many nights, other wives will need their husbands home more often or will find ways for the family to minister together.
3. There is no typical pastor's wife.
The stereotypical pastor's wife might play the piano, lead children's Sunday school, or direct the church's women's ministry – or all three. And these roles fit some pastors' wives very well. But for other women, such responsibilities have nothing to do with how God has gifted them. "There is no typical pastor's wife," Chaundel said. "God uses all types of people. God knows what each church and each pastor needs."
A pastor should give his wife the freedom to say no to ministries that don't fit her gifting, Chaundel said. "A lot of pastors' wives are put on a pedestal and expected to have certain gifts and be a model parent," Chaundel said.
Her husband, for example, is sometimes referred to as the "Bible answer man" at Saddleback. When people look to her for the same knowledge, she might try to answer their questions but she usually sends them to Tom ultimately. "Value your wife's knowledge and expertise, but help her to feel she doesn't have to have all the answers," Chaundel said. "Know your wife. Know her gifts. Encourage your wife in the gifts God has given her."
For years, Chaundel enjoyed leading women in Bible study. On mornings when she was preparing to teach, Tom would help the children get ready for school. "He would enable me to do my ministry and make it possible for me to use my gifts," Chaundel said.
4. A pastor's wife needs time alone with her husband.
"Nothing can replace time alone together," Chaundel said "I always feel silly telling people what they already know, but my experience has been that I don't always do something just because I know it."
Chaundel appreciates the countless hours Tom has spent talking with her – processing both small struggles and big issues. And every day Tom takes the time to tell her how much he loves and appreciates her. "The best thing my husband does for me is he's so consistent in verbally expressing and showing his love for me on a daily basis," she said. "He's a busy pastor, but he takes time for me every day. I just don't feel like I deserve him."